I find myself embracing the first Canto of Dante today. Big surprise since I just took a midterm and had to write about Canto I when Dante, the narrator, finds himself in the dark woods.  His exile from his beloved Florence, bitter sweet love he has for it although, has him contemplating suicide and finds himself in a dark wood confronted with his demons in the form of animals… The wolf being the wolves of Florence, the merchants, and those that exiled him. I find myself back in that wood remembering my rape and assault three years ago.

I was in the dark wood on that fateful day, walking home from Chaos, exiling myself from the craziness of a party gone TO wild for my taste.  I was subsequently approached and when I would not answer in a language that these two men could understand, for I was not of Slavic descent, I was attacked, raped and after bashing my head into a tree several times and stomped upon, left for dead. This was the beginning of my journey into the world of being bipolar. For it raised it’s ugly and expansive mind blowing head all at once into my life.. much like Dante’s use of Cerebus and his three heads of horror. I was faced with the horror of my own path, the horror of the path of my mind, and the horror of the actions done to me.  On top of it all, I am taking Shakespeare this semester and we just finished Titus Andronicus and with Lavinia’s rape and assault by the Goth Queen’s sons. I at times look down at my hands these days and see in terror that they are not there as they were anymore. They do not work as they should, and they do not guide me as well anymore. I do not have the mind I used to have, it is altered. In someways for good, and in others at a loss of creativity. I find beauty in the image of her hands as beautiful barren branches as the famous movie with Anthony Hopkins and Titus shows her, a beauty. I find her loss much as mine, the loss of her tongue, turned into nothing but a violent offal.

But apparently I am wandering, and the wolf is my own self. I fight against my self and my mind daily. I cannot keep my house the way it should be, to help keep me calm. I find my ability to put together a good critical essay impossible to please teachers.  I tend to be so esoteric that they do not get where I am coming from. I tell them I am not simplistic, I do not want to just reguritate what I read, I want to explore what I have learned. But alas with some teachers I must do that with my own time, which I have very little of.  With that time I find myself playing a video game or two and losing myself in a world of fantasy, or in a forbidding book not on my reading list, and even in television series, of which I am an addict of many.

But even through the darkness that surrounds me, I see the light that Dante ultimately finds at the end of his journey through hell. Perhaps I will finally find my way through, or at least learn to go hither and through as I please. In control of some sense of my own nature. Her horror is a beauty to some, and I am one of those that find that violence and travisty a beauty, only because I am learning to embrace it as one of my own nature, just one of my paths in the darkness of my woods.

Life so far this semester
Current mood:  amused

Well my classes are busy and this is the first semester in two years that I am doing five classes, one online digital photography so not that much pressure and I can be creative. My math class for dummies is NOT for dummies because the teacher rocks and she really makes me feel more confident that I can do this. Plus she is making us micromanage ourselves. This is actually a good thing! My broadcasting class is going to be challenging but fun fun fun and Jeremy is the TA again! YAAA.. My Jane Austen class by far will be my biggest challenge, and then there is the American Pros from 1920 till now. We are starting off reading noir novels, awesome I love old crime novels so I already have read a lot and it is with my favorite English teacher, Karen Grossweiner so I am stoked. But I missed the first class because...

I GOT TO START THIS SEMESTER OFF almost dieing AGAIN! WTF... I thought I had a simple bladder infection or I was going into early menopause because I was getting a fever every night like clockwork for over a week. When I got into the doctor, on a whim mind you because both Geoff and I thought I was just a LITTLE sick... ya 105.5 and 15 times higher bacteria count than a normal bladder infection.. SHEESH... I was given shots and Cipro and sent home for two days so I even though I did go to class the next day I ended up missing the last one because I fell asleep reading the book for class at the Pub and I was not even drinking, just still had a fever and I was sick. But all is good. It was a SPECIAL type of bladder infection that less then 2% of the population ever get.. well I am special so it fits, right? riiiiiiiggggght... IT SUCKED.. then they call me on Friday, which is the only reason I woke up, and the blood test they took showed me going septic... niiiiiiiiiiiice... so more shots and a few more days of Cipro.... since my levels on the uranalisis were less than half they were 24 hours earlier. I am also lucky... very lucky... and I never do anything the EASY way... even getting sick... GAWD!

Last night I was feeling so good I went crazy manic and drove Geoff crazy and I ended up all over the place and finally fell asleep at 2 and could not wake up this morning and look and feel like shit again.

So back to the grindstone and drinking another bottle of water.  Hopefully this will be the last of the drama for at least another week.. lol